South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone have been cagey about what the revamped Casa Bonita will entail when it reopens this month, going so far as to ask a judge to block the release of permits and other planning documents to the public this past summer. So, we scoured the iconic Lakewood restaurant’s job postings for clues.

Facility Maintenance Technician

Hourly Rate: $22 to $25
Job Requirement: “Perform work…involving exposure to extreme cold, extreme heat, noise, vibration, mechanical hazards, electrical hazards, [and]chemical hazards.”
Which can only mean that… Chemical hazards probably refer to chlorine for the pool but could also indicate that Parker and Stone plan to re-create Casa Bonita’s notoriously syrupy margaritas.

5280 May 2023
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Table Attendant

Hourly Rate: $14.27 plus tips
Job Requirement: Have an “ability to work in a loud, distracting environment with flashing lights, haze machines, ongoing shows, and large numbers of guests.”
Which can only mean that… Most of the workforce is going to have to consist of former Def Leppard roadies.

Entertainer (Dancer Dry)

Hourly Rate: $25 to $30
Job Requirement: “Performing in full costume, including a mask that covers face/ears/head and limits vision.”
Which can only mean that… Chiquita the Gorilla is on the loose once again!

Cook

Hourly Rate: $18 to $23
Job Requirement: “Ability to hold a knife, use a knife correctly.”
Which can only mean that… Considering the quality of the food at the old Casa Bonita, we take it as a positive sign that the new kitchen staff will at least know which end to hold when preparing our enchiladas.

Entertainer (Wet)

Hourly Rate: $21 to $25
Job Requirement: “Must have a good sense of humor and the ability to laugh at the absurdities of life.”
Which can only mean that… The vibes aren’t changing at all.