A Little Bit Sassy and a Lot Sweet, Dirty Islander Cookies Should Be Your Valentine’s Day Gift Go-To

It wasn’t that Isla Thomas called me “love” and “darling” repeatedly during our hourlong phone call that made me instantly crush on the 26-year-old British baker. It was the way the Londoner come Denverite explained that her father, who taught her how to bake as a child, is the reason her nearly four-year-old, online-only cookie business feels so “bloody authentic.”

But the idea that her father had anything to do with the genuineness of the Dirty Islander—which is known not only for its oversize, $7 cookies but also for the risqué names it gives to each softball-size treat—did make me blush. After all, how many fathers would be comfortable with their daughters using monikers like the Grope Me In Public (raspberry white chocolate) or the Whore In Church (cinnamon oatmeal) or the Rail Me or Jail Me (a cookie cake, of course)?

Thomas acknowledges that her father is possibly the ne plus ultra of dads. “I’ve always had a dirty, insane sense of humor,” she says. “When I was in school, they would sometimes send me home because I was writing weird, naughty poems. Mom would have a fit, but my dad would say, ‘I’m going to fucking frame it!’ He wanted me to be me.”

Over the past five years, Thomas being Thomas has looked something like this: She graduated from the University of Cambridge, met an Iowa boy named Alexander on a flight to Denver, promptly moved into his Tennyson Street apartment, married him a year later, and— during the boredom of the COVID-19 pandemic—decided to start what she calls “a futuristic gourmet cookie company” based on her father’s recipes. The “Islander” in the Dirty Islander, she tells me, is simply a portmanteau of Isla and Alexander. The “Dirty” part, she says, doesn’t require explanation.

What does demand some elucidation, however, is how exactly a cookie company that does zero advertising, uses no branding, has no storefront, and whose owners purposefully duck the spotlight, even in their own raunchy-song-soundtracked Instagram feed, has been so successful. According to Thomas, the achievements of the Dirty Islander have as much to do with its cookies, made from top-shelf ingredients without any preservatives, as with its nonserious, speakeasy-style vibe. “Without a shop, customers who have texted or called in an order simply drive up to the address we give them,” she says, “and we deliver a plain pizza box full of giant, warm cookies ready to be eaten. We’ve always thought of ourselves as cookie dealers.”

When your product is as habit-forming as Thomas’ (she credits the best butter, the tastiest vanilla, and of course, European chocolate), you have to be ready to provide it whenever anyone needs a fix. So, morning, noon, and night, Thomas gleefully delivers a taste of her childhood—to nurses after long shifts, to late-night revelers, to early-bird office workers wanting treats for 8 a.m. meetings—so long as customers give her at least 45 minutes’ notice.

And on holidays like, say, Valentine’s Day? “We do get a rush of orders,” she says, “and sometimes we run out of certain cookies, so as soon as you know what you want, send me that text. On holidays, I’ll get you something yummy within two hours max, but if you want a specific cookie or a big order, give me 24 hours’ heads-up, and I’ll get you whatever you want.”

With that in mind, I asked Thomas if the Dirty Islander would be offering anything special for Hallmark’s annual day of lovey-dovey-ness. Her answer made me fall even harder for her: “I always hated Valentine’s Day, so we don’t do any special flavors,” she says. “Every day should be bloody Valentine’s Day.”

But, Thomas concedes, she still loves people who love Valentine’s Day and is more than happy to help them make their someone special feel, well, special. Here, Thomas’ suggestions for how the Dirty Islander can help you deliver something both naughty and nice this coming weekend.

Ask for a Dealer’s Choice box.

“Let us decide what goes in the box for you,” Thomas says. “We’ll give you the best stuff we have that day.” Seven cookies ($36), 13 ($59), or 25 ($100)

Tell the Dirty Islander what you like.

“I already have a client who called ahead and asked if I could do red velvet cookies for Valentine’s Day,” Thomas says. “We don’t usually make those, but I’m making them for her.”

Request a poem.

“Tell me a little bit about your lover, and I’ll write—in embarrassingly large letters—a naughty poem right on the cookie box,” Thomas says.

Order one (of each!) of Isla and Alex’s favorite cookies.

• Iowa Cowboy (chocolate, cornflakes, coconut, peanut butter, and oats)
• Haters Gonna Lust (chocolate chip with toffee)
• Coke On Crack (thin chocolate chip)
• Lost My Job (But Whateva) (peanut butter with peanut butter cups)
• Eat Me Now (lemon chip)
• Black Eye Counterpunch (blueberry shortcake)
• Mum, I’m Pregnant (chocolate chunk)
• Grope Me In Public (raspberry white chocolate)
• Amish Pornstar (sugar)
• The Seducer (butterscotch, chocolate, and pretzel)

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To order cookies, call or text the Dirty Islander at 720-869-3669. There is a four-cookie minimum per order; thedirtyislander.com.