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If zombies were to invade the Centennial State, it’s hard to imagine Coloradans sitting around waiting to get corpsed. No, our wily denizens would fight—and the University of Colorado South Denver wants to make sure they’re prepared. This month, CU’s Parker branch will present Survive the Zombie Apocalypse, a day of training sessions to help you outsmart the undead and, in the unlikely event we aren’t overrun by zombies, also arm you with skills to better enjoy the wilderness. Here, a few of the practical techniques you’ll learn.
1. Archery
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Weapon: Bow and arrow
Battle Tactic: Disable the zombies from afar.
In The Wild: Unfortunately, CU’s lesson doesn’t count as a hunter education course, which you’re required to pass before purchasing a Colorado hunting license ($31 to $254, depending on what you’re trying to kill). It will, however, sharpen your aim in advance of next year’s deer and elk bow-hunting season (late August to late September), when you can practice the ultimate exercise in self-sufficiency and nab your own dinner.
2. Navigation
Weapon: Knowledge
Battle Tactic: Get back to base camp using the sun or the stars.
In The Wild: All stars, including the sun, rise in the east and set in the west. This makes it possible to orient yourself by tracking the movement of shadows (during the day) and celestial bodies like the North Star (when darkness falls). CU instructors will teach you day-and nighttime techniques, the latter of which you can apply while camping at, say, Hovenweep National Monument, a remote site on the Utah-Colorado border with virtually no light pollution.
3. Target Practice
Weapon: Nerf gun
Battle Tactic: Mow down your enemy with rapid, close-range shooting.
In The Wild: All that projectile firing is ideal practice for a high-stakes paintball game. OK, yes, you should avoid untouched wilderness when sniping your friends with spheres of paint. (Park rangers tend to discourage graffiti in pristine landscapes.) The Two Chicks Paintball range 40 minutes northwest of Fort Collins strikes a compromise by adding bunkers to natural terrain, creating a real-life (yet safe and wilderness-friendly) war zone.
If You Go
Date: October 1
Cost: $20 to $25
Final Frontier: Your zombie-killing expertise is paltry compared to what you’ll see in cult classic Zombieland, which will play on CU South Denver’s giant movie screen once your lessons are finished.
