Dating 101: What Not To Say

In this month’s issue, I offered some ideas on what to say to impress a date and where to take that special someone during this month of romance. But if you want to keep the butterflies fluttering, it’s just as important to know what not to say or do. So in the interest of helping all of our dating lives, I asked 5280 staffers to open up (anonymously, of course) about the all-time best date-ending comments they’ve heard—or said. Here, your NSFW guide to not getting another date.

Don’t try these at home…

1. “Blah blah blah. So you’re a Democrat right?” (From the staffer: “Or anything political too early.”)

2. “The last time this happened to me…,” which was said after a woman stopped a man on the street, handed him her card, and said: “You should call me.” (From the staffer: “I mean, seriously, how many times does that happen to a person?”)

3. “Could I special order butter noodles?” (From the staffer: “Um, no, you can’t. You’re a grown man and you can order off the menu.”)

4. “I have three ferrets at home.”

5. “I live with the guys from 3OH!3. Pretty cool, right? They’re actually on tour right now. Want to come over?” (From the staffer: “Guess what year this was?”)

6. “PLEASE tell me you have extra tickets to the Matchbox 20 show tonight.” (From the staffer: “Assuming I had any tickets to see Matchbox 20, at any time, was enough for me to think he was kidding. He was not.”)

7. “You have a beautiful nose. I want to have sex with you.” (From the staffer: “No other introduction. The guy just came up and said that.”)

8. “Is that your sister? You’re here together? Niiiiice.” (From the staffer: “Again, no introduction. And, ewww.”)

9. “I had a date two years ago where the guy insisted on taking me to a really nice spot in D.C., ordered a bunch of drinks, spoke for literally 10 minutes straight about how nice it is to make six figures and how wonderful financial freedom feels. Then the bill came and he looked me dead in the eye and said, “You got this one right?” He wasn’t kidding.”

But we couldn’t let you go without one happy ending…

“I met my now-wife at a bar. We were both drunk. On our first real date, we went to this little cafe/bar in Greenwich Village in New York City. It was after dinner, and the plan was for a drink and maybe dessert or something. So we got a drink, and then she asked if I wanted to order dessert. I don’t love dessert, but, still … I should have just said ‘yes.’ Instead, I said, ‘How about a fruit plate?’ I mean, it was the worst thing I could have said. A fruit plate?! On a date?! My wife reminds me often that that almost ruined the whole thing and she didn’t really want to call me back. But here we are, 17 years later. Now, I never say no to dessert.”

—Image courtesy of Shutterstock