Colorado Needs Help Naming a Train, and We Have Ideas

You could argue that Denver owes its existence, or at least its relevance, to trains. The Front Range was a collection of sleepy mining outposts prior to the summer of 1870, when passenger lines connected Denver to Cheyenne, Wyoming, and Kansas City, Missouri, spurring growth and industry that helped turn the city into the region’s most important economic hub.

But by the mid-20th century—with the rise of automobiles, interstates, and suburbs—commuter rail along the Front Range was vanishing. By the 21st century, it was gone. Over the past two decades, though, rail advocates and lawmakers have tossed around ideas for a train that would run from Pueblo to Fort Collins with seven stops along the way. Now the Front Range Passenger Rail District (FRPRD), which was established by the state legislature, is considering putting a sales tax increase before voters in November. The district says service is anticipated to begin in 2029.

If the timeline sends your eyes rolling into the back of your head, we get it. After all, our state already has a train fiasco: FasTracks, the transit expansion voters approved 22 years ago, in 2004. The project has cost an eye-popping $5.5 billion so far, and its remaining unbuilt lines, as the Regional Transportation District (RTD)’s board chair recently admitted, will likely never be finished.

That mess isn’t the only reason for skepticism. The United States lags far behind Europe and Asia in building truly high-speed rail; only three major U.S. projects are still underway, and two of them were recently defunded. Not to mention, high-speed rail might not be entirely practical in Colorado, where nearly 65 percent of the population is concentrated in a single metro area.

Still, it’s admirable that our state is dreaming big—and having a little fun along the way. So, when we learned the rail district was asking Coloradans to help name this new train, we were intrigued.

Unfortunately, the district has already narrowed down the list to four predictably uninspiring options. The leading candidate, with roughly 18,000 votes as of Thursday, is “CoCo,” short for Colorado Connector; the others are the Colorado Ranger, RangeLink, and “FRED,” which stands for Front Range Express Destinations.

While these names are fine, we thought we could do better. So, what follows are six alternatives the district ought to consider for a passenger train that will undoubtedly begin service without any delays, complications, or bellyaching in three years’ time, no later.

SlowTracks

If Coloradans learned anything from FasTracks, it’s that managing expectations is just as important as laying track. Just ask anyone living in Longmont or Boulder how they feel about the train they were promised more than twenty years ago. Why not give this new project a name acknowledging that, while transportation planners have the best intentions in mind, it might take a little longer than predicted? Then, if delays ensue, the district could rightfully claim it never promised a rail line would come quickly in the first place—surely, we’d offer them some grace, right? Right.

The Yeet Cars Clipper

Any real train lover knows #CarsRuinCities. As people flock to suburbs and rely on motor vehicles for their every transportation need, Denver has become yet another metro area snarled by traffic. Now, before anyone suggests we widen another highway (did somebody say induced demand?), why not see if a train gets us out of our cars and off I-25? If that train carried a name that inspired us to jettison the automobile, who knows what the future might look like?

The Urban Sprawl Express

Any journey from Fort Collins to Pueblo will leave a traveler in awe of the housing sprawl blanketing the Front Range. Very few patches of open land remain between the miles and miles of cookie-cutter homes along I-25. Where once a commuter train might have introduced passengers to Colorado’s natural beauty, this one will advertise the swelling developments in a state that could benefit from some real housing density.

JARED

The truth is, when he leaves office in early 2027, we might miss Governor Jared Polis, who is a major advocate for the Front Range Passenger Rail project. So, why wait to name something after him—and risk that thing being a highway? (He’d hate that). When his term ends, Polis is likely going to be “Just Another Rail-Enlightened Diplomat,” anyway. So, let’s call this train JARED. Thanks for everything, Governor.

Trainy McTrainface

In 2016, officials in the United Kingdom sought the public’s help in naming an autonomous underwater research vessel. The winner, by an overwhelming margin, was “Boaty McBoatface.” (Officials later rejected the name, alas). The whole affair inspired several Colorado cities to let school-age kids name their communities’ fleets of snowplows. Over the years, students in Boulder and Longmont have repeatedly chosen “Plowy McPlowface.” Can’t we just do the easy thing here? Trainy McTrainface is as good a name as any.

FART!

If we’re going to name a train, we might as well make it memorable. When the project comes to fruition on deadline, more than a few Front Range residents will proclaim, “Finally, a reliable train!” That acronym—FART!—is easy to remember, and that’s good for marketing. Can you just imagine the throngs of happy travelers FART!ing up and down the Front Range? We can.