In case you haven’t heard, birth control doesn’t work. Colorado Media Matters points us to claims by an anti-abortion activist who claims that birth control doesn’t work, which talk-show host and Dan Caplis repeated on his talk show Monday:

Discussing contraception issues with co-host Craig Silverman on their August 27 broadcast, 630 KHOW-AM co-host Dan Caplis echoed recent remarks by an anti-abortion activist when he asked, “Well, hey, hasn’t everybody heard that birth control fails at an alarmingly high rate?” But neither he nor Silverman mentioned that according to federal health statistics, the three most popular forms of birth control — oral contraceptives, sterilization, and condoms — have efficacy rates of 99.9 to 79 percent.

Colorado Media Matters points out several statistics showing that birth control is, in fact, highly effective, but I don’t need to read any of them. Here’s why I know that birth control does work: Because there aren’t four billion people in the United States. I know that a lot of people use birth control, be it condoms or pills, and if those methods weren’t working on a fairly consistent basis, I would assume that there would be a hell of a lot more people in the U.S. right now. It’s not rocket surgery; either birth control works, or nobody is actually having sex in this country. By that same logic, I know that vampires and zombies don’t exist (at least not in the way that they are portrayed in popular culture). In fact, scientists proved that vampires don’t exist in a study last year:

Every time the vampire feeds, the vampire population increases by one and the human population decreases by one. [University of Central Florida theoretical physics professor Costas] Efthimiou supposed that the first vampire arrived on Jan. 1, 1600, when the human population was 536,870,911. That means there would have been two vampires and 536,870,910 humans on Feb. 1, four vampires and 536,870,908 humans on March 1, and so forth. With the vampire population increasing geometrically and the human population decreasing geometrically, by the 30th month the human race would have been wiped out. “In the long run, humans cannot survive under these conditions, even if our population were doubling each month,” Efthimiou says, “and doubling is clearly way beyond the human capacity of reproduction.” Zombies, also thought to turn victims into their own kind, present a similar problem.

I’m not sure why you would want to believe that birth control doesn’t work (or why you would want to think that vampires and zombies are real), but if you truly do believe it, then you and your brain have some catching up to do. And yes, Dan Caplis is really a lawyer.