After 16 seasons of mostly forgettable baseball (relax, I still have my Rocktober towel), your 2009 Colorado Rockies embark on the new season with mediocrity on their mind. Here, some dates to keep in mind for the bound-to-be-depressing year.

Opening day, April 6
at Arizona Diamondbacks: The Rockies are in first place in the National League West—at least until the end of the night.

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Home opener, April 10
versus Philadelphia Phillies: Someone in the Rockpile wonders aloud why Clint Hurdle isn’t starting Matt Holliday in left field today.

May 20
at Atlanta Braves: Hurdle collapses in the dugout after his insanely tight hat finally eliminates circulation to his brain.

June 1
at Houston Astros: Todd Helton plays his first game of the season.

All-Star Game, July 14
Without Matt Holliday, the Rockies fail to produce an All-Star hitter for the first time since 2005.

August 1
at Cincinnati Reds: Rockies mathematically eliminated from playoff contention.

August 13
versus Pittsburgh Pirates: More people in the press box than in the Coors Field stands.

September 3
versus New York Mets: www.monfortspleaseselltherockies.com is launched.

Final home game, October 1
versus Milwaukee Brewers: Rockies management blames poor season on media negativity.

Final game of the season, October 4
at Los Angeles Dodgers: Rockies finish 62-100; Hurdle and GM Dan O’Dowd receive contract extensions.